Slow Decay

The digital clock ticks in time with the beating of my heart. My nieces are upstairs yelling as children often do. I find myself at a stand still. A quiet silence settles in this loud bedroom, my mind racing.

Where am I going?

It is the year two thousand and nine. I am twenty three years old with a Bachelor’s degree in Art. When I was a small child I thought that I would be so successful, that I would be something my parents were to be proud of. I wanted to be better than the rest. Life had just begun. So much lay before me in a bright, glittering future. There were jobs to be had, people to meet and love, marriage, a family. Just so much.

I work as a hostess/waitress at my family’s restaurant making enough money to store away. No rent to speak of, some bills to pay, no friends close enough to go out with. The person I spend the most time with is my eldest sister. My other sister lives in Massachusetts with her boyfriend, doing what she studied to do. My brother, well, his lack of common sense destroyed his family ties. We hardly see him anymore. Mother and father grow older with each passing moment. Tears come to my eyes whenever I think about their future down the line. Most of my time is either spent working or in front of the computer, playing games. My boyfriend is really the only person who can truly make me laugh anymore.

Everything is a lie.

Time is passing before me like pieces of dust in a shaft of light. I have no urge, no will. When I try, the monsters lift their heavy bodies to crush my decaying one. So much to do. So little freedom to do it in. My own insecurities will be the end of me.

All I ever wanted was approval. All I received was a mind plagues with sadness and doubt. I am a begin begotten by sorrow.

What have I become…